01:30
'Come dowin here ye faggit and oill do ye!'
The Green Zone is up high on the third floor away from the hoi polloi. We are decided that we can no longer stand idly by whilst our city is overrun by boozing babies with suppressed tendencies that only come out at night. We are forming a vigilante group to redress the imbalance of law and order in this land. We shall write the Justice Minister, Maul McDog, informing him of our intention to form a civic band of community activists to address the problem with direct action. Hic.
Our modus operandi is simple and straightforward. On a regular basis, at such a time as is appropriate, we section into tactical groups and go to our local bar, Murphy's, wherin we imbibe masses of fine porter behind closed doors. That's how we fight them. Call us "hoodlums" if you want. This is how we will defeat the enemy. Get our city back. We henceforthwith wish to be called "The League of Very Ordinary Gentlemen."
It's time to clean up the streets.
And just a quick word to the foxy she-cop who came to the batcave tonight to clear us out at 11.30 on the dot - just because you failed the audition for Guards Aloud there's no need to push us heroes out on the streets same time as everybody else, we're harmless. The Gentlemen always have to have one more pint on the blinker than they're allowed, don't you know, it's what gives them their special powers.
I'm secretary designate. Letter One, Draft One:
Dear Minister,
If the Guards are going to come up to us and kick us out at the legally binding time could they at least make a habit of it so we can consume our porter at proportionate speed, please?
Is mishe ar meisce
03.18
De ye want me fat cock in yer mouth ye fat cow?
The boys of summer are striking Christ like poses in the 3am. I detect a high level of angst in the little gurriers' voices. Their boorish savage caterwauling is reminiscent of a randy tomcat.
Our deity is Justice, (due deference to the minister thereof as his representative here on Earth), and our elixir is the Guinness in Murphy's pub. Fuelled by such honeydew stout we shall, our heads stuck into our pints, fight crime in Dublin. By doing nothing.
The youngsters are blossoming in the summer sunlight. Their bottoms are mooning, their voices are crooning their answer is boozing, not schmoozing. Blooming in the booming economy.
03:44
Small people are vicious. Young people are angry. Small young people with white shoes-gone-off are scumbags. And enforced sterilization is a waste of time! Issuing licenses to exist is a waste of time! Imagine how many rubber stamps you'd need in a year to approve the forms of so many Dubs. Just take them out of it. End it. Get a Minister for Justice who appreciates what needs to be done, not like the tub-thumper we have now - a baby without his pacifier. It's not even a final solution, it's just a way of controlling the rodents.
03:54
What about taking an axe to them and disarming the IRA? Delegging them?
04:04
THEY ONLY COME OUT AT NIGHT. They steal your soul and raid your premisezzz.
09:00
1783 BORN: Simon Bolivar, Venezuelan revolutionary, helped Venezuela, Columbia, Ecuador and Bolivia to independence from Spain, El Libertador
12:17
Government stamp duty:
Garda have reportedly uncovered a widespread scam in which drug dealers are using mortgage fraud to launder their cash.
13:45
Screwdriving Dubs breaking into cars in the secure car park at the Nitrogyn rock festival at the weekend. Nobody gived the shit from security or the festival organizers or the cops.
13:46
CALLER 1: The toilets were up to it after Friday. Two breakfast rolls and two cups of tea cost sixteen euro. Paid two hundred each for the tickets. Paid twenty five to park in the field where the car was wrecked and got sunk in the muck.
CALLER 2: They were kickin' wingmirrors off de cars.
13:51
CALLER 3: Two hours traffic jam on M50 coming home from the Nitrogyn festival. There's no plan in place.
13:57
CALLER 4: Fellas from Tallaght jumping on tents. They were kicking the tent I was asleep in. Going on into people's tents, taking their belongings and WEAR-ing them. Gardai came over, asked them to leave and walked off.
14:00
CALLER 5: No security in the campsite. I won't ever agin go. Our tent was lifted up while we were in it.
14:01
JOERADIO: 200 Gardai. 2000 security. 80000 revelers there.
14:04
CALLER 6: I'm on the M50. I saw a fella urinating out of the window of his SUV. He's coming from Nitrogyn. After all their beers last night.
14:07
CALLER 7: The security was allocated to the stage, not the campsite. Trampled. Mugged. Pushed. Whipped.
14:10
CALLER 8: Throwing drink around. Ripping open tents. Fights all night. Sleeping in shifts. All in the campsites.
14:13
CALLER 9 (non-Dub youth): I'm on the bus home. I had a great time. Best three days of me life. I ran after the fella who robbed this phone that I'm talking to you on now and got it back. I grew up in the fight culture. I can deal with it. Small price to pay to see DJ Shadow.
JOERADIO: Do you think that's ok so?
CALLER 9: Underage drinking is their prerogative. Anybody stumbling around in the dark is lying.
14:19
CALLER 10: Ten people came in, took everything out of our tent, they were sitting there drinking and smoking. They'd been through everything and robbed it. Shall we say, strong Dublin accents. Everything sifted through. We found passports and IDs from other tents there. They also went through our car.
14:23
CALLER 11: Security said to report it to Naas gardai or fook off. Fooking nothing to do with me.
14:25
CALLER 12: Spent 22 hours in the tent before we could get them out. Afraid to leave. Lads were urinating on them. They were in there when they cut the tents up with knives. They burned them.
14:39
CALLER 13: I was at a festival in Finland. Vodka and beer a drinking. NO fights. NO trouble. Hard liquor. Everyone was just happy. They've respect over in Finland. Don't jaywalk. Wait until it goes green. No trouble. Were these guys into the music? These Dubliners? Tracksuits going to these gigs don't care about the music, just starting trouble. You need leathers and long hair.
17:23
I want a word. In a dictionary. Like ginormous. Here's one - I feel one coming on - shitebaggery! No. Spiketastic! No. Insinuendo! Taken. 'Scooter'. Already there but we add a definition and use it for an adverb, to have a - .
17:50
Texts about gypsys begging on the M50 roundabouts. Concern lest cars might hit the filth tapping by the side of the road, besmirching the gunmetal coat.
21:31
Millions of tonnes of water under gravity fall to the ground, says the TV weatherman, describing the process of rain.
22:00
Get the desire to reveal myself online, not I mean in a lewd way down in the mushroom tunnel, but to come clean. To behave honestly and be open with people. Be real. Sincere. Try not to lie, boast, dream, direct, distinguish, determine, punish online. It's an unclean medium. Or is it me?
22:26
Residents rescued clinging to their chimneys by a fireman's boat. Sandbags running out. Three months of rain in three minutes.
