Saturday 27 April: I'm screwed. I'm a gonna have to come clean.

09:00

On this Day: 1810 Beethoven composes famous piano piece and ringtone, Für Elise 

10:10

Trivia: Whilst obesity is not recommended, people 2 stone overweight have a better chance of surviving infections, disease and accidents than normal weight people.

13:03

Against the methodone: only 3% of people who do it (8000 on the plan) complete the government drugs rehab program.

13:24

Minister for Cufflinks considers it a policy to say that large scale illegal dumping for which the region he represents is very well known has come to an end in his constituency. So that’s that, then. Onwards and upwards now, he says.

13:43

The Dog is getting his jet scooter and zooming around to every radio and TV show on Earth trying to own the election-magnetic spectrum . First he says "I don't want to be negative" and then he makes insulting and belittling remarks about all-comers.

13:44

How to stage a revoluton, the University course: http://ocw.mit.edu/courses/history/21h-001-how-to-stage-a-revolution-fall-2007/

"A revolution is not a dinner party, or writing an essay, or doing embroidery; it cannot be so refined, so leisurely and gentle, so temperate, kind, courteous, restrained and magnanimous." - Mao Zedong, 1927.

13:49

Definition of Revolution:

“A revolution is a rapid, fundamental, and violent domestic change in the dominant values and myths of a society, in its political institutions, social structure, leadership and government activity, and policies.” - Samuel Huntington

14:12

The area round Guinness yard and Islandbridge and thereabouts was the birth hole of Dublin city. Which spread south and north from this spot like a brown tide. The rest of the town is reclaimed land.

14:57

1) No control over the Republic

2) No control over the Republicans

16:00

Berties's team. Berteez is team. According to the posters in Limerick reports' spellings'.

16:09

Like Uppity Bog Arabs:

An armed group seeking a greater share of oil wealth in Nigeria says it has destroyed part of Shell's operation in the Niger Delta.

19:17

The average polling station package issued by the Chief Returning Officer who supervises the election process has, inter alia, ballots, stamps, seals, stationary and a Bible. The Bible is in case someone turns up to the polling station without ID, and nobody knows them, they are required to swear on the Bible that they are who they say they are. Each time.

20:22

I'm no eejit. I know when an invitation isn't welcome. I just don't pretend I don't know.

21:22

I'm screwed. I'm a gonna have to come clean.

22:09

Screwy screw screw.

22:23

All these politicos sound the same when they open their mouths. Fucking, wouldn't trust them.

22:24

He's a truck driver. He reckons he'd make a good transport minister. Says he wouldn't start by digging up the Dead Cow roundabout. Yaymen, brother.

Friday 26 April: I think there's a mood out there for not changing a thing

09:00
1937 Germany's Luftwaffe bomb Guernica in Spain on Franco's behalf during Spanish Civil War

A burn in Guernica, 1937

10:03
McDog is on the McGod radio show. Mick, Pat. I'm sweating in my underpants. Everyone is acting surprised because Blertie is coming back in the polls. I think there's a mood out there for not changing a thing.
10:10
Each nostril registers smell in a different way. The right detects pleasant odours, the left nostril is more accurate.
10:39
- The policy makes as much sense as an Hashtray on a Harley Davidson. Fish ina barrel. Hula hoops, like. More holes than a packet of.
- Somebody else is in charge of that.
- "To some extent a lot of people have that perception."
- I will try to use the word "robust" in answer to every question asked.
10:44
"We are perceived as  hard party with no compassion. If that is the way then so be it. We have raised Ireland to greatness in our 200 years in coaliton glubbernment."
10:46
It's a successful company competing with the company who owns it. I'm going to blend the mistakes in with the successes and obscure the disasters in telecoms and transport and everything else pretending it's some form or economic development when it's nothing of the sort.
12:01
It's Irish Keynsianism. Do nothing and a miracle might come along to sort it out. 

 
12:15
Survey of typical words in an Irish Times letters page 'round Easter:
reprehensible
moral choices
the gun out of Irish politics
resort to violence
perspective
reference
unequivocal
compliance with best practice
inadequacies
dictum
sin qua non
Roman Catholic Church
Is mise
contemporary
Church of Ireland
unpalatable truth
honesty and integrity
gesture of inclusiveness
contemplating
injunction of our Lord Jesus Christ
post hoc
lingering resentment
manifest
12:43
Text messaging is a virus infecting the email in instutions. Dickheads. Haven't a CLUE what they're talking about. Should shut up, just.
12:44
“You cannot reduce Chaucer to a soundbite.”
(- "Shyte").
13:03
Number of abductions up. Murders down. Satisfaction with the Gardai has halved since 1998.
13:00
Elegant, eloquent jabs at the opposition, finally landing a combo uppercut/haymaker:

Addressing the opposition benches, he said: "It was your fault, because you totally objected."
As those same opposition benches collapsed with laughter, Mr Ahern added: "The voting worked perfect, all the analysis of the voting worked perfectly, but politically you wouldn't agree with it, and you took off on a political exercise getting in a few people from around the world to try and find flaws with it. And I can tell you, it's a disgrace, and any waste of money on the voting system lies at your door."

[Examiner.ie]
13:01
It starts with an (electoral) coup:
It is an embarrassment, and I do hope in the next Dail, that we're able to rid ourselves of the horrendous difficulties we have trying to be a modern country.
13:05
We're one of de biggest exporters of software in the world but we're going back to the py-ang louis.
14:42
We're upgrading your internet security for the bank. Er, no we don't support Firefox.
- But Firefox is the more secure browser?
15:00
Suicide prevention office admits problems exist.
15:20
Speed may be the key to winning an election in time for the weekend but I need a bit of grunt to process my complex transactions on a browser. Damn I'm about to reboot. If I can force my browser to close. It's in a sulk. Firefoxy.
21:05
Martin Sharpy, Minister for Bling, has taken to referring to the self in yon third person.
21:34
"Ttermination. Strengt. Bertie is great, so he is. We would vote for him as afternoon tea shock. Men of good will."
22:24
No affordable homes built. 

A nation (tears itself apart) once again

Thursday 25 April: Mumble mutter sharp sharp mumble

09:00
1945 WWII: Wehrmacht cut in two as US and Russian troops meet at Elbe river

To Elbe and Back, 1945

09:28
Construction sounds have hit phenomenal levels. Every builder on a go slow but the lower torque generates deeper patterns of noise. Like elephants I tune into the seismic waves.
10:10
Today's Trivia: When you close your eyes hard, the lights you see, caused by excitation of the retina caused from pressure on the eyeball, are called phosphenes. 
10:37
Drilling agin the walls. Teachers on the radio blaming students for being thick. People from the health service blaming us for not understanding their arcane management ways. Peeping trucks backing. Aaaargh.

11:19
Is Ray an anagram of Ryan? All the (not so) young dweebs interviewing actual important people. Why roast Gerry Abrams about how's he going to finance the provision of houses? ("Cigarette smuggling.") Marxism will come back, you know, like parkas, berets and bell bottom trousers.
11:34
What about the N11 road? Would your party finish it?
- mumble mutter sharp sharp mumble
Can I just finish answering your other question first? Seamus I didn't interrupt you now.
- mumble mutteer mumble blum
I'm not getting the same treatment. Fianna Fuckers have been in power for ten years!
- mumble mutter blum bloom.
11:37
Hurmdur rumdure shtumbure roorboor.
- OK we'll come back to the government later.
11:43
ADIO: Seek independent advice. This scam will make us rich while we prey on your insecurity, tempting you with simulated security. This actor's voice will sooth you. Sooooooth you. Call us.
11:56
I'm a teacher. I'm from Fianna Finger. I've taken a year off for it's an election year. It's a salary cut but I'll be back next year or whatever year the Dail job runs out.
11:59
The road to Damascus. Huh.
- We're all talking over each other and I'm from Fianna Fail so I'm rudest because I have more support and get away with more.
12:00
Beer delivery:
Five smithwicks. Ya roight?
Thunk conk. Rroll.
13:05
Mary Healthcarey says no worries, go to hospital, if the Outbreak gets you will reef your house out of your relatives before you're cold in your grave.
18:11
Dead 10 year old boy under a bus in Cabra. He's on a bike. The drunk driving Donegal doctor, ex-minister for traffic, who was arrested after driving 30 miles the wrong way up a dual carriageway, hasn't practiced in 20 years, is pictured on his election posters holding a stethoscope. Reassurance. He's a winner.
VAT is rolling in. Income tax is up. Capital gains is up 23.4%. Stamp duty up by 17.2%. Spending trends are growing 21.3% in the shopping throom. Les Eurocrats are going to crack down on corporation tax so the vixens are out for chickens. Ireland would have to shut down. Our boy in Brussels Charlie McGeezer better keep a bung in it before these bleedin' socialists catch us out. Hah?
18:15
Tax is our competitive advantage. We don't want to lose it. Bertie, after his abnegation, will have to go to Europe and - ah fuck he'll never make it back to the Cat and Cage to canoodle the blondes every night.
19:01
Intel are already building their replacement factories in China. They don't tell us that.
23:15
Unired monstered the Italians. Played the youth card. Winner every time.

Wednesday 24 April: Each bunny is expected to do their duty as Ireland strikes for the right to enslave her own people

08:36
Seamus, u organiz d van n guns? We strike at the heart of the Rialtas tnite', I tuxt.
Seamus tuxt back: T'ignition is a problem. Is a Ford. My mechano says he can fix. 150 e/rising.'
Reply, Fuck. Fucking ripoff.
“Everything to do with cars and vans means money.”
Send, We'll end up with a new van at this rate.
09:00
1916 Easter Rising to win independence begins as IRB and Citizen's Army rebel against British in Dublin 

Bank holiday Monday blues, 1916

10:10
A single 500 megawatt coal-fired power station produces the same amount of greenhouse gases as 600,000 cars.
 10:59
Today is the actual 90th anniversary of the subjugation of the working classes by the middle class 'rebels' in 1916. Each bunny is expected to do their duty as Ireland strikes for the right to enslave her own people.
11:09
Classic letter in the Irish Times:

Madam
My viewing of televised coverage of the parade to commemorate the start of Ireland winning its independence was not inconvenienced by the glare of bright sunshine outside, as this was blocked by the British army barracks five metres from my window.
Sorry to be a bore,
Yours etc
SIOBHAN O'NEILL
Ballymurphy
Belfast

11:12
Serial-killer strangulation:

Ms Hanafin told the annual conference of the Irish National Teachers Organisation today that a team of 30 language experts would be appointed to help teachers improve their Irish.

15:56
There ye go, more evidence that the Easter Rising happened in Dublin (describing the scene on the ground in O'Connell St that day):

The bomb that exploded in the tram smashed Noblett's window, and the crowd started to take out the sweets. They then started to break the other windows and general looting started.

[Village Magazine]
17:02
This is the second or third election Bertie has managed to kick all tribunal queries into touch. We the people, they who decide who rules, have no platform to challenge the validity of the current regime which is under question right now, as the quasi-legal platform has been hanging up for 10 years or more, merely enriching a select few legal professionals while the putative bribees blithely carry on regardless.
17:15
The scourge of emigration is over. Full employment. Only ten years. We're making more projects. We're reforming the services.
17:16
People would do well to retain this successful government. We're loaded. You don't want to stop having us.
17:18
Battlewagons are drawn. They're rolling out the lines.
19:54
COUNTESS: Them Brits are never happy are they?
- Oh yeah like "Siobhan O'Neill" is the name of a Planter.
COUNTESS: Well she buys her spuds with pounds sterling, ergo a Brit!

Tuesday 23 April: "She's a sad old hoor but she's beautiful when she cries."

09:00
1014 Reign over as Vikings defeated in Ireland, although Irish troops' leader Brian Boru killed at Battle of Clontarf
 

Viking throwdown, Dublin. 1014

10:10
The most difficult tongue-twister in the English language is said to be "Sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick".
10:41
You're feeling sleeeeepy:

The Irish Times 10.37 Mahon 'follows precedent' and adjourns tribunal until after election

11:08
Jogging, some of them. To get into the scrap. 29 of 30 players.
TXT: Clean up our national game. Hang the offenders. Bring in the army. Collective punishment for thugs. Brats letting the county down.
TXT: Don't mind, it's a physical sport.
SPORTS DORK: Fine them 300k. That should clip their wings.
11:32
Your bloodline is Fianna Fail?
11:35
I'm self employed. There's no way I'll get to have a 10% payrise while working for 10% less. I nearly had my eye taken out by an election poster yesterday. Bleedin' politicians.
13:19
Traditional style of gobshite debates:
NOPPOSITION: I want the right to reply!

Appetite for Distruction, 1014

MINISTRON: You have the right to reply. I didn't interrupt. Sorry, sorry?
NOPPOSITION: I'm getting wound up you know right well. You're a fat fucking prick shut the fuck up. You're being nasty. We're not that bad. Your style is making me speak quickly and in a high voice.
MINISTRON: We have the best country in yourope.
NOPPOSITION: Stop interrupting me.
MINISTRON: Get off the stage you twerp!
13:23
Cowboy is doing a Bertie vernacular take on it using a culchie courtier charm, be sayin' things like 'they be running around the place mahkin' promisis'.
- There's so much money about we'll be able to afford anything we decide to spend the tax payers money on.
- The Contract is a con job. Listen ta me. Tell the people. Hah? Whah? Bejaysis.
13:46
CALLER 1: A batman comic. Healthwarning needed. Adult sexual content. My seven year old was reading it. Images very distressing. Woman stripped naked. Very large chest. Two large swastikas on her nipples, Joe.
JOE: On the shelf beside Postman Pat and Barney?
CALLER 1: Horrendous. Horrific. Murderous. Shocking. Hard core pornography. Very sick behaviour. I mean, the Joker? He's a misogynist.
13:56
CALLER 2: Sexual assault. Beaten. Accident. Fueled by this type of pornographic material. It's time we took a stand. Do you want that?
JOE: It's only a comic.
CALLER 1: Images. Very powerful. Take it off the shelves.
CALLER 2: It's an “adult comic”.
JOE (reading thought bubbles): "She's a sad old hoor but she's beautiful when she cries."
18:06
Live life. Love bread.

Monday 22 April: Rebels that we are, we ambushed them with our nothing at alls

09:00
1915 WWI: Germans devastate Allies with poisonous chlorine gas attack at Ypres

Gas men the Germans, attacking the Allies, 1915

09:01
A multimedia manifesto. Other people are to blame for me shooting everyone. Forced me into a corner. You are the one with blood on your hands.
09:27
Watched a video on the web of boxing deer. Are they from Cabra, I wonder?
10:10
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
11:03
Liberated up to Heaven. Going for the record this year: Sixteen people have been killed on Irish roads since the beginning of the Easter bank holiday weekend last Friday. They were all British soldiers and black and tans, obviously and the middle class, arch-conservative Rebels that we are, we ambushed them with our nothing at alls.
11:07
Dubs in a fight at the big game yesterday. Melee. Creep sneaking around downstairs looking to break in. Dirt everywhere. Paradise.
11:27
D'economy is great, so it is.
- D'centralisation is a d'saster, so it is.
A low mumble comes in from across the table as the opposing candidate interrupts. Saturnine low notes threaten to unseat his train of thought. They let them talk on and on sideways and beneath his breath in the studio like a fulminating dragon.
12:02
BREAKING: Bertie Blair speaketh off the Mainland in the historic first address by an Irish Taoiseach to the House of Commons in London:
12:05
We're all affectionate now. The Tagues and the Orangies. Bertie recalls the time he came into a meeting blubbing. (He must have washed an anorak.) But he kept with it.
12:16
"Sissifuss." (A case of?)
12: 17
Sissiphus with de rock up a hill. He needed a dig out dere from de gods.
12:18
Catilick. 800 years. Dis generation expecially.
12:20
Hundrids of thousints. Brishish cih-izens.
12:23
(Import-export economic geography lesson ensues.)
12:24
Evry imagrinal fee-ild.
12:25
Inattractable problems. Overcome.
12:26
(Tony Blair made a better fisht of the Gaelic (on teeshock) than An Taoiseach did.) Done. Can't believe Bertie just set the seal on Partition. What a fucker. Republican me arse. It's the end of the Republican dream. Sad bastard.
12:34
The ultimate Fine Gaeler, Inda was red-faced with frustrated rage. He would have loved to be the one to call the rump Free State official.
15:19
Hammer hits 7.5 on the richter scale. My desk shakes.
22:27
Past the threshold, PR Crone uttering the word robust and machine guns about something said against her clients.
22:50
Crone: "Here's a lot of money. It was the FF. Very clever people. They made us an offer we couldn't refuse. You won't work for anybody else. Grimalidi rang from the opposite clan. My hands were tied. They lost the beef."

Sunday 21 April: That bird there is my little friend. She follows me into the house.

09:00

1989 Chinese pro-reformist demos bring 100,000 to Tiananmen Square in Beijing

Time for a change, Tiananmen, 1989

10:10 
Bread is proven to be addictive. Deprived of bread and given only water, subjects begged for bread in as little as two days. 
18:30
So, comrade, what is your conclusion after the period of national self-analysis that the tayshock bade us do?
- Let the struggle for independence begin in earnest. The Treaty gives us the freedom to achieve freedom.
I'm with you, comrade.
- Please, call me "cara".
Yes, chara. What do we want to be independent from?
- Ireland.
19:42
That bird there is my little friend. She follows me into the house.
20:04
So what next, chara, What's our next move.
- I think two pints. Your round?