This year, profits 7m. Last year, lost 9m. 4% less passengers. 10% cutback. State bus company freakonomics.
09.00
1983 Aga Khan's horse Shergar ("The Wonder Horse") stolen from stable in Co. Kildare stud farm, IRP2m ransom demanded, IRA suspected
Still waiting for the new year to begin. When did a hammer ever lurk? It's behind me. It's above me. It's coming through my chair. A diesel engine chilters on a printer spits out warnings: We're coming to get do. We're coming for you do.
10.10
The only ten letter word that can be typed with the top row of letters on a keyboard is "typewriter".
13:05
It's a day. Like any other. The Health Ministry "wants more advice" before she moves. If she moves too suddenly the weather can change unpredictably in her wake leading to gales, flooding and severe frostbite in places she's been.
13:17
Ireland is a new economy. It's a new type of economy where people have access to capital for the first time, and everyone's in business. It should be called the "Bank of Ireland". Oh hang on, it already is. Bank is Ireland.
14:01
CALLER 1: One of the best things in me life.
JOE: One of the best things in your life is you running in your noo-wid in Croke Park?
CALLER 1: It was.
14:03
CALLER 2: I'm not talking about Wembley, I'm talking about Croke Park. We're Dubs. If you want to run in your noo-wid, go to the circus and walk on a tight rope. My grandfather played for the Dubs in 1897. Those lads would have given him a kick in the arse, excuse me expression.
14:05
CALLER 3: Very first time I took me nine-year old daughter to a Dubs match there was a streaker. She was there on Saturday saying 'Not again, Dad?'
14:06
CALLER 4: Thanks Tommy fer givin' us a laff.
CALLER 1: (Tom): Fair play t'ya!
CALLER 5 (British marm): I'm his mother and he's certainly not streaking at next week's game. I've told him to pack his bags if he done it again. I don't go in for that myself.
14:25
MOM: My husband rang him and said, 'I'm warning you.' We had the video recorder going. When my other son showed me on the video that he was carted off, I was horrified. My husband said they should keep him until Monday, it'd be good enough for him.
14:27
JOE: Your mudder says You're a Bloody Fool.
TOM: It's for charity ma ...
MOM: I don't want people thinking I raised a gurrier. We sent you to private school.
TOM: Ma, if I raised 5000 euro ...
MOM: We won't talk about it, we're on national airwaves. He's pushing me. Then he'll be looking for bed and breakfast. This streaking is talking stupid!
TOM: Ah ma, I'm sorry!
MOM: OK Tom, we'll discuss it this evening.
TOM: I can't believe you rang in.
JOE: She'll smack your bare arse.
MOM: If anyone has spare rugby tickets for Croke Park rugby next week, I promise I won't streak?
JOE: How you going to stop him getting out of the house next week? Take his clothes away?
MOM: He's the youngest. He gets away with more. He's a joker and is quite witty. Clean good fun. But I think that was going a bit too far. Thanks Joe, I can show my face outside the door now.
JOE: OK. Tom, just show your face outside the door, nothing else now, will ya?
14:40
An investigation is under way into a fire which broke out on board a school bus on the outskirts of Limerick city this morning. One schoolgirl was on the bus at time, but neither she nor the driver was injured.
14:52
CALLER 6: We don't need to air our dirty laundry any more. He got the ring back.
JOE: What was it like? Sorry if I sound intrusive.
CALLER 6: It was beautiful.
16:03
Changabillibly. Sunlight squints through streels of rain.
16:27
Buzzlim activists are scouring the Skype phonebook for DANSKERS to torment them about the cartoon vengance. Every white supremacist country in the world has reproduced the Moho cartoon pictures at this stage except the US, Ireland and Britain.
18:10
The radio knobs have elevated Croke Park to being the most sacred ground in all of Gaeldom. I thought that was Mulligan's Pub.
18:11
DUBLIN DEPUTY MAYOR: After Croke Park last week we find that public urination has become a large problem. We've had situations where people's front doors are used as public urinals. Even parents are encouraging kids to relieve themselves on the side of the road.
It's not an arrestable offence. The largest fine for the offense is two euro. They can be let off scot-free if the cops approach them. If it were a little bit stiffer - we'd pass a motion to make it arrestable to urinate in public.
HACK: If you gotta go you gotta go.
MAYOR: It's the drunk [fuckers] who are wobbling home [pissed]. Parents with their kids, it can happen.
HACK: It's pretty wide spread.
MAYOR: So I hear. It's not very healthy.
HACK: It does point to a lack of public toilets. (Reading off email) "What about opening a public toilet in Dublin? Sanitation used to be considered an advanced feature of civilisation. The corpo think we've evolved into those with a super-sized bladder."
DEPUTY MAYOR: I accept that popping into a store to pretend to like something and then running up stairs is not acceptable. The toilets were used for drugs and cruising. [Blame the underclass.]
18:45
The English TV sportsters are fascinated before another confrontation at Croke Park, this time in the rugby. What was the score last time there was an international match, in the twenties?
18:46
Some accounts give the score at 13-12 for the day's play. Brits shaved it. Chap called Hogan from Tipperary was stretchered off in the first half, dead. Finger-pointing Dublin players protested loudly with the ref and blamed the Tans, but I'm not so sure.
18:51
EXT CROKE PARK, NIGHT
INSERT TITLE: November 21 2020
Tipp V Dublin at the floodlit Croke Park, All Ireland Football Final. Still in the first half.
WE SEE the SCOREBOARD, 1-1 to 0-5. The stadium, packed with 80,000 fevered fans, is erupting with excitement as the game turns into a footballing battle royale. Just then, with the ball in play, a STREAKER appears out of the Cusack end of the Hogan Stand, running naked towards the centre of the park. The STANDS erupt with laughter.
INSERT STREAKER CLOSE UP: (Chest tattoo) UP THE DUBS!
Standing under The Hill, the DUBLIN CAPTAIN takes advantage of the furore as the MAOR UISCE passes out a Glock. He shoots the Tipperary captain once in the head and twice in the chest. The REF doesn't see it.
Noticing the development, the STREAKER runs over to the prone corpse of the Tipperary player and urinates over his dead body. The Dublin crowd laughs. A Mexican wave begins at Hill 16.
CUT TO:
Angle CROKE PARK from the Richmond road. WE SEE the stadium filling up the frame, lights glowing against the night sky. WE HEAR the crowd's roar, a sharp cheer, followed by a distinctive chorus of 50,000 Dubs saying with one voice, "Fair play t'ya!"
FADES
Croke park from the Hill
